Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
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[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.