*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
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If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.