Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
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What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
Poetry is my passion
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop