It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
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“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You