Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
You Might Also Like
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
Need this in my life lol
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
Children of the corn 🌽
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
Breaking news:
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.