Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
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If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack