You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
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Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
this post was so formative to me
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
WHY?!
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
Me recordaron éste meme
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!