I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
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you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
i like to flex on them by shrugging
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
I believe the plural is “milves.”
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.