Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
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If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey