If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
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Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
somebody come look at this
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.