6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
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I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset