I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
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Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.