I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
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Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
want me to check your oil?
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
This chloroform smells expensiv…
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know