With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
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*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.