Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
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Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
paddle faster i hear baby shark
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this