Autocarrot sucks!
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Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
I did not eat the cake…
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
Just ordered me some pizza!
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
True?
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.