An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
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The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you鈥檙e confronted with a weirdo…well that鈥檚 why we have the word weirdo.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I鈥檓 more of a tired afternoon duck.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
If you know, you know 馃槀馃殧
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
and that鈥檚 why I鈥檓 fat馃き
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.