Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
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professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
me hooking up with my ex
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.