Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
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I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
Worth a try
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo