I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
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i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
😏😏😏
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
I think we should hear other voices.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”