I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
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Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.