*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
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Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
My time has come.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
Here’s a meme
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*