Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
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I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Is your wife single?
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.