My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
You Might Also Like
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
Fluff me with a fork baby
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
incredible
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]