Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
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Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
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My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
When I laugh on my period
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.