went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
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[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
How did we not see this back then?
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
Does your wife know you’re single?
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”