Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
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Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
Never ghost your hitman.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
I’m tired tomorrow.