This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
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I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.