Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
You Might Also Like
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
This will never not be funny 😭
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
This will teach them to underestimate me
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins