*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
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Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
me hooking up with my ex
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
For those that worship cheese..
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.