[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
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What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
*offers Batman cough drops*