Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
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People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories