Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
You Might Also Like
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
Same pineapple, same
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary