my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
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It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
I’d use my best pan on you.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?