ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
You Might Also Like
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
my name if I was in the mob
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.