One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
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Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.