A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
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Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard