Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
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Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food