my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
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him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything