Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
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After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
That took me a moment.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.