*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
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If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.