Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
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THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
October already? What’s next? November????
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.