I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
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Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
Friday
watergate? u mean a dam??