Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
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No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
Phones down.
quarantine day 3
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.