A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
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I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
A choir of Spring onions
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.