Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
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[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
You are what you delete.