What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
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I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.