About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
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My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.