[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
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Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
I need to update my racial profile.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Brilliant!
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.