Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
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The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive